Put it all together and you can see why, where poets of the first Elizabethan age immortalised the majesty of their monarch, the writers of this one have intuited the suburban spirit of the Queen and made much lightness from it. And instead of greyhounds or borzois or even a pretty King Charles spaniel, of all the dogs available in the empire, Elizabeth II opted for those squat little corgis with their stubby legs, bush tails and uninspired faces, who are the very doggy definition of “nothing to see here”. But instead of the Queen of the hunt, flushing a fox out of the covert, majestic cape flying behind her, I’m pretty sure the Queen you have in your mind is the one who puts a fiver on the 3.15 at Goodwood, just like your own grandmother. Dogs! And horses! Aristocrats love dogs and horses. She likes to name a dog “Susan” and a horse “Peggy”. For this Queen the category of literature is described – and fulfilled – by the collected works of PG Wodehouse.
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Those things upon which we are informed she looks kindly are equally telling: Eastenders, cornflakes, most cakes, gin and Dubonnet (but no fancy wines and nothing gourmet), TV quiz shows and Question Time (but only if there’s a good bust-up), Benny Hill re-runs and Royal Variety shows (as long as she doesn’t have to leave the comfort of her sofa to watch one). Her history of tacit disapproval goes back a long way, including such varied items as her sister’s celebrity friends, several humourless prime ministers, people who don’t like dogs or horses, crowds of folk weeping outside her house, overly complicated meals and, of course, overwrought daughters-in-law. She takes a dim view of the TV show Bargain Hunt – finding it “slightly vulgar”, preferring Antiques Roadshow – and a dim view of her own fondness for The Bill (“I don’t like it but I just can’t help watching it”). She took a dim view of Silvio Berlusconi bellowing at a G20 summit (“What is it? Why does he have to shout?”), as well as to being asked, that very same day, to smile for a photograph (“Is this supposed to be a happy event?”). But her imperiousness – such as it is – takes the lower middle-class form of “taking a dim view”, which is also, I think, the root of her (inadvertent?) comedy, for the dryness with which she tends to take her dim views is often funny.
Not that she can’t be queenly, in her own way. Since childhood I have watched news footage of her sitting down to tea in the houses, flats and bungalows of her “subjects”, or by their hospital beds, or suddenly appearing in the middle of their local tragedies or sporting events, and I have yet to see any citizen of the kingdom remotely surprised to find their Queen amongst them. The reign of Elizabeth II has been marked not by grandeur and imperiousness – as it was with the first Elizabeth – but by a quality of intense familiarity, the by-product of the unprecedented replication of her image, for she is of course the most photographed Queen in history. Consider it: did ever a monarch seem more likely to prefer a nice flowery pelmet curtain to a white wooden shutter? Or a staycation (in front of the telly) to a glamorous Tuscan retreat or Caribbean break? Did any resident of Buckingham Palace – replete as it surely is with bone china and silver serving dishes – ever before have breakfast delivered to their table in air-tight plastic Tupperware alongside a copy of the Racing Post? There is no precedent for such a monarch in either our history books or our fairy tales.
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